tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31509382011-11-24T07:15:10.255-06:00..the one no one knows about...nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comBlogger341100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-1095053448539193982004-09-13T00:52:00.000-05:002004-09-13T00:30:48.540-05:00It would seem that my dogs decided to rumble with a skunk tonight. I'm not sure who the loser was, but I think I am being made to suffer for their sins. The stench. Beyond words. Way beyond.
I have been home for one month now. 31 days. I am glad to be out of Texas. Not sure I will ever go back. Nice people and all, but never have I felt less at home in a state. Even Colorado, with the nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-1094621723708210612004-09-08T00:13:00.000-05:002004-09-08T00:59:07.203-05:00I am drift in this sea of emotions. All weekend, I felt detached and removed. I often have to take days or even weeks to really understand why my internal drama queen is all in a snitch. It has only begun to be realized. For the past 3 weeks, or maybe even the last 4 months, I have been in a funk. I haven't totally felt secure and grounded in myself in what feels like forever.
Today, I returned nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-1094235148087170772004-09-03T13:11:00.000-05:002004-09-03T13:12:28.086-05:00So...call it irony or call it reality. Either way, this morning, I woke up before 10 and the leaf was gone.
And I'd already seen the episode of Dawson.
Maybe this is God's way of telling me to get over myself.
Who knows?
Me.
nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-1094189680675772902004-09-03T00:02:00.000-05:002004-09-03T13:11:12.216-05:00Sitting on the couch at my parent's house, I can see a leaf hovering outside the high windows that line the top of the 2-story room. I watched it for a minute in wonder last week before I realized that it isn't a magical leaf with strange hovering powers that other leaves envy; it's just stuck in a spider web.
I've seen that same leaf every morning while I am watching the last half of Dawson's nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-1079507611154567022004-03-17T01:13:00.000-06:002004-03-17T01:15:53.920-06:00 don't even remember what I was talking about in that last post. It was so long ago. I have gotten out of the habit of writing and my regular blog has all but disappeared. I deleted the old one, so three years of blogging are erased. I waited a long time to do that, but in the end, they were all things I didn't want to read anymore. All those years of pain and heartache over a boy I haven't nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-1067147335222670522003-10-26T00:48:00.000-05:002003-10-26T00:48:54.436-05:00Tonight, I am sad. So very sad. And I didn't even really know it until a minute ago. And the urge to write, when I haven't written anything in months, was overwhelming. I am disappointed, scared, tired, confused, lonely, and hurt. I'm all those things, all at the same time, and it's wearing me out. My future is so uncertain and I hate that. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't know where I am nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-933594162003-04-27T16:22:00.000-05:002003-04-27T16:22:38.243-05:00My life has turned upside down and inside out since I last wrote in here. But I'm coming here now cause I am so blown away by what has happened in my life this weekend that I don't know what to do. So I figured I needed to write my way through this and see if I can come up with anything. I've almost given up on writing in my normal blog cause I just lost the anonyminity that I somewhat enjoyed nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-896742022003-02-24T17:45:00.000-06:002003-02-24T17:45:07.246-06:00With the ice storm taking away our internet, I am back to journaling without the instant gratification of a blogger. This past weekend wasn’t a great one for me for many different reasons, but for none that were of much importance on their own. It was just the accumulation of them all, added with some discontent, confusion, and frustration that boiled down didn’t make me very happy with the end nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-877606422003-01-20T20:46:00.000-06:002003-01-20T20:46:04.126-06:00Sometimes...my heart gets broken by life. Although I guess I can't say it is really broken, because it isn't a irreversible thing. There are things in my life right now, though, that really hurt my heart.
A friend from home told me today that he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. They aren't getting back together and she has a short time left to decide what do to about the baby. She will probably nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-858711382002-12-11T20:37:00.000-06:002002-12-11T20:37:35.213-06:00Whoa oh! Been a tulmultous month since I last posted in this little secret place. Quick updates so that it that things will make sense...doesn't matter really though, cause I am the only one who will ever read this, but I might forgot one day what happened.
-I emailed Jon after 10 months of not talking to him. He emailed back. I emailed a second time re-explaining everything I had said. He got nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-839701402002-11-03T15:01:00.000-06:002002-11-03T15:01:27.320-06:00Yeah. So I'm melodramatic as of late. Get over it.
Last night was the guys' Halloween party. For the most part, it was great fun. It was weird seeing Sarah and Jerm together, but not a bad thing. Just gonna take some adjustment, but I'm totally cool with it and I'm totally going to stay out of it. Pardon the statements made while intoxicated Friday night...but they both knew I was drunk, and nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-838369042002-10-31T13:03:00.000-06:002002-10-31T13:03:47.590-06:00Could someone just please explain what in the world has happened here? When did my world get swapped out for some alternate universe where the most secure relationships I've ever seen fall apart...where friendships that were rock solid suddenly feel like they are falling apart.....where there are tensions and weirdness among my my closest friend. WHY WON'T ANYONE JUST COME OUT AND SAY WHAT THEY nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-829847692002-10-14T17:51:00.000-05:002002-10-14T17:51:18.960-05:00Saturday night I stood in the middle of Roxie Lane, and by the cab light of my truck and the dim street lamp across the street, I saw Rob's sad face tell me that he loved me. I then stood in the middle of the street wrapped up in a tight hug for about 3 minutes, while my mind was reeling that this boy who has really only known me for a month just told me he loved me. And then it felt like a nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-823363362002-09-30T18:28:00.000-05:002002-10-14T17:57:14.000-05:00Yup. Pam confirmed it. Jon and Mary are still together. Happy one year anniversary.
*points to self*
QUIT BEING SO BITTER!
I do want him to be happy and if he is happy without me, then I will leave it at that. I'll accept it. He'll always have a part of me, but the rest of me has to move on with life. He will always exist to me, can't pretend like I can get rid of him. But I'm not going to mopenohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-822994302002-09-29T23:48:00.000-05:002002-09-29T23:53:12.000-05:00Man, I haven't been this Jon-thought-obsessed in a long time. I thought I was past this happening to me anymore.
Today was hard. It was a year ago today that it all happened. That I last saw Jon when he was free to love me. Before I realized I was in love with him. Before everything went to nothingness. Today was really hard. This stuff just hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend and I can't nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-822595142002-09-28T23:39:00.000-05:002002-09-28T23:39:54.360-05:00Yeah...I know. I shouldn't be doing this to myself. But I sincerely thought I had deleted all this stuff off my computer. But I was wrong. A lot of it was still there. This one...damn, this one kills me.
"do you understand why i had to touch your face when we were in the car that night? When your face lit up in that blue sea? You didn't notice(you probably would have thought me a spaz if i did) nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-822537872002-09-28T20:35:00.000-05:002002-09-28T20:35:20.430-05:00I can't believe I am in this place again. Yesterday afternoon, I sat on Rob's bed, saw the scared, dreading look in his eyes, opened my mouth...and before I could even say anything, he said, "Oh God, it's over, isn't it?" And all I could do was nod my head and look at my hands. I then had to go on and explain why to him. In some ways I wasn't completely honest with him, but I couldn't tell him nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-818072522002-09-18T23:36:00.000-05:002002-09-18T23:36:43.656-05:00It is September 18th as I write this. 8 months. How messed up is that?
*
"I had this friend once named Jon. And I haven't said a civil word to him in eight freaking months..."
*
I wish I could say it didn't bother me. I wish I could say it didn't still hurt. But it does. I have the most wacked out dreams about Jon all the time. One time this summer, I had one...it seemed so real. It completely nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-757320032002-04-23T11:29:00.000-05:002002-04-23T11:29:55.726-05:00So maybe I'm just lonely.nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-757078682002-04-22T19:39:00.000-05:002002-04-22T19:39:14.240-05:00Been over 3 months now. He talked to me the other day cause he caught me checking his away message on AIM. Told me that I didn't exist to him anymore, and that he was trying everything he could to get away from me, so he doesn't want me checking his name. It's not like I check it everyday, but sometimes when I am having a moment of weakness and I just want to see how he's doing, I get on a name nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-98637192002-02-18T18:12:00.000-06:002002-02-18T18:12:32.310-06:00Jon has had the opening lyric to this song on his away message a couple times this past month, and I just found the rest of the song. Makes me want to cry.
Walk Away
by Ben Harper
Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend
And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-98552582002-02-18T13:27:00.000-06:002002-02-18T18:11:22.000-06:00So it's been a month. One whole month and I haven't talked to Jon. At first, I was cool, now I think about it too much. But it's still getting better. Yesterday, I was in Knoxville on my way back from Atlanta. Ali, Sarah, and I were on our way home and stopped and ate lunch with Sam. I ended up missing my exit, so I had to make a loop and I ended up coming through Knoxville the same way I used tonohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-88238532002-01-18T14:40:00.000-06:002002-01-18T14:40:42.633-06:00it's so sad when you give up on a friend ever being a friend. about it being final. and about making it final by not talking to them.nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-82492802001-12-29T01:16:00.000-06:002001-12-29T01:16:57.240-06:00thank goodness. I didn't think i was ever going to get this to open up.
I've missed blogging. I stopped blogging on my main blog cause I didn't want everyone to know just how screwed up I was and I couldn't edit out all the depression from my blogs anymore. so I took a hiatus. I'll go back to it eventually. but I'm not much better. some days, yes. some days I am ok and I feel lighter. Other days,nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-79616472001-12-15T21:48:00.000-06:002001-12-15T21:48:25.023-06:00shitnohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-73818612001-11-25T01:11:00.000-06:002001-11-25T01:11:25.183-06:00i spent hours with Jon last night. at one point, i told him i was going to kidnap him. it seems like a pretty good idea to me. to just take him and go someplace where reality could be suspended for a little while. where it would just be us, and we could enjoy the fact that we love each other and we are together. nothing else to interfere with that. nothing like real life. nothing like his nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-71978182001-11-17T12:49:00.000-06:002001-11-17T12:54:37.000-06:00I told him last night that I thought I loved him.
And even though it is a desperate situation and I don't see how it is going to get better any time soon, I am relieved. I don't like keeping secrets, and I've kept this one from everyone. No one knows about it. Except for him. And me. I can't do anything about it. And I can't even see if what I feel is really the real thing. It'll never grow nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-71975742001-11-17T12:36:00.000-06:002001-11-17T12:36:49.320-06:00If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me, If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-65376662001-10-22T18:45:00.000-05:002001-10-22T18:49:28.000-05:00I wrote this on Sunday. This is an edited version:
...There have been so many things going on in my lif recenetly and I just cna't find any peace about them. Everything with that happened with Jon in the past month has confused me. It made me bitter, angry, and jealous. And tired. so tired of constantly defending myself and my feelings. Tired of having to deal with it every day. Of never being nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-60847712001-10-03T12:17:00.000-05:002001-10-03T12:17:00.533-05:00So tell me this...if I am so okay with him dating this mary chick, how come today when he said something about being with her last night and her telling her ex that jon and she were seeing each other, I want to throw up? I have this box of food from the caf in front of me and now i don't have an appetitenohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-60693402001-10-02T19:54:00.000-05:002001-10-02T19:54:13.806-05:00how come when i look at myself in the mirror, i do not see a beautiful girl, but when jon was holding me, and we stood in front of the mirror, i was radiant?nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-58393752001-09-21T23:56:00.000-05:002001-09-21T23:56:21.523-05:00tonight sucked
i hate crying and i cried for about an hour
i cried because i feel awful. because my head hurts and i am tired of being sick.
i cried because there was no one here to take care of me, because there was no one who really could have come to take care of me.
i cried because Jon let me down for the first time. because he didn't come running when i needed him. when i wanted him to be nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-58368242001-09-21T21:20:00.000-05:002001-09-21T21:20:17.060-05:00it figures
of course it didn't go through
what in my life ever works out the way it's supposed to
i can't ever recreate it
it's gone
and i'm no longer able to dwell on it
SHITnohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3150938.post-58363452001-09-21T20:45:00.000-05:002001-09-22T00:00:58.000-05:00I always said I wish I had a blogger that no one knew about...so that I could talk about what I really wanted to talk about...so here it is.nohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08461540803733100702noreply@blogger.com